Patchouli vs Yukari
by Sensha-Do
Summary: A fight scene I wrote in a setting using Touhou characters but located in a city like Black Lagoon's Roanapur. This'll hopefully be part of a longer story I'll publish later. Inspirations include the works of Dan Abnett, Imizu/Nitro Unknown, Rei Hiroe, and Kouta Hirano. All Touhou stuff is (c) Team Shanghai Alice/ZUN, and anything else is (c) its respective owner.


**(A/N: The banter in the beginning might not make much sense, as the rest of this story only exists in my head as of now. Essentially, Patchy & Co. are not too fond of Reimu due to events years in the past, and now Yukari is a target by association.)**

It was dark on Chirei Boulevard, the yellow glow of the mercury arc-lamps lining the street lending the scene the half-light peculiar to city streets at night. The air was filled with that odd form of drizzle that seemed more fog than rain. The streetlamps reflected off the shiny-dark asphalt of the deserted road.

Two figures faced each other, standing in the middle of the street. One was dressed casually, in ripped, faded jeans and a dark long-sleeved t-shirt. The only concession to personal style on her body was the crescent moon-shaped ornament in her long, lavender-colored hair. It was the outfit of one who concentrated on her work, and nothing else. Her garb contrasted harshly with the pressed and sharply-creased suit the other figure wore. The outfit was opulent: Bright-white gloves, trousers, jacket, and Panama hat; dark-purple vest, tie, and hat band. This was an outfit of one with all the time in the world to concentrate on personal elegance: The outfit of one who not only had power, but flaunted it.

"You are lucky I only just found out you were friends with that bastard Hakurei," Patchouli called down the rain-slick street, the chill wind blowing through her t-shirt.

"Hmm, and why is that, dear?" returned Yukari, a finger mockingly raised to her mouth.

"Because I would have killed you back then, instead of now. This way, you got in a few extra years."

"Ah, so you'd have killed me? Just like you killed Reimu, right?" Yukari giggled, the sound bouncing oddly off her hat's brim.

Her eyes narrowed. Patchouli's face twisted into a scowl. "Unlike you, I have respect for my betters."

Yukari chuckled, hands on her knees. When she straightened up, there was a wide grin on her face. "Betters? What betters? A bratty vampire who never leaves her own quarters? Her insane, bloodthirsty sister? A nameless killer with more knives than morals? I've simply got no idea who you mean, my dear girl." She laughed again.

Patchouli clenched every muscle in her face for a few seconds, her fine-featured visage frozen in fury. When she relaxed, her expression was deadly calm. "The Scarlet Devil Mafia does not stand for small-timers like you insulting us. You best savor those words, because soon you will not be speaking anymore."

"Finally," Yukari huffed in a faux-exasperated tone. "I was starting to get bored. But enough about me, my dear." She smiled, and extended a hand "May I have this dance?" She leaned to her right…

…just in time to dodge the transonic steel girder flying at her face. The twenty-foot I-beam skewered a parked car with such force its tires blew out.

"Such violence!" exclaimed Yukari. "It's quite rude to behave so in polite company."

"It's a good thing you are neither 'polite' nor 'company,' then. You are a target, and nothing more." Patchouli said, her voice toneless and flat.

"You're being so cold, dear. Perhaps you should put on a coat." Yukari giggled at her own wordplay just before jumping sideways into a gap, narrowly avoiding a hail of green crystals spraying from the neon-blue magic circle Patchouli had just inscribed in the air in front of her. Her coat fluttering Yukari dropped out of another gap fifteen feet away, having successfully avoided the crystals.

The massive spar of magically-propelled, dark gray stone that shot out of the street was less than a foot from the back of her head when she noticed it. Yukari's mind instantly spooled up to its full, inhuman speed. _Too close and too big to dodge._ She snapped forward at the waist, getting her skull out of the roughly-pointed stone's way. She used the descending momentum of her upper half to lever her legs and feet off the ground, going almost horizontal in midair. The soles of her custom Piloti dress shoes contacted the rough surface of the stone, and she allowed its forward momentum to bend her knees. A microsecond more, and…_now. _She extended her legs as hard as she could and sprung off the stone towards Patchouli, adding her own velocity to the spar's. She flew nearly parallel to the ground at the witch, whom to Yukari's point of view was turning toward her almost hilariously slowly as she readied yet another spell. Yukari cocked back her elbow, positioning it perfectly for a crushing blow to the outer corner of Patchouli's right eye socket. A millisecond more, and her missile-like spring had brought her to the mage. She snapped her elbow forward with her fully superhuman strength, ready to smash the fool's skull.

The blow impacted the shielding ward with a gunshot-like bang, and sent a wave of force through it that blasted back Patchouli's hair and shirt like a gale-force wind.

"Hmph, quite quick, aren't you? Skilled in wards, too, I suppose. I'll be feeling my arm in the morning," Yukari said conversationally as she shook the offending appendage. "And that surprise earth-attack was quite…surprising."

Patchouli's face remained impassive. "You should not have underestimated the _consigliere_ of the Scarlet Devil Mafia."

"Not to be rude, my dear witch," Yukari said as she lit up a previously-absent Behike cigar. Taking a pensive puff, she continued "but when are you going to stop playing, and start to truly _dance?_"

"Your perjurious mouth will now be silenced." Patchouli pulled a small stamped-steel card out of a pocket and lifted it high into the air. Triumphantly, she called "**Water Sign 'Quintuple Axis!'**"

She raised her right index finger, and a narrow jet of immensely high-pressure water shot out from its tip. The laser-like jet scored deep tracks in the walls of surrounding buildings as Patchouli brought it to bear on Yukari.

The border youkai had herself immediately jumped back when she heard the spellcard being declared. Seeing the deadly laminar jet arcing toward her, Yukari used her power and dropped a row of brick walls between herself and Patchouli. The water jet seemed to barely notice them as it sliced through. _I'm wasting energy like this, _Yukari thought. _Let's get that water jet shut off._ Watching the beam swing toward her, she readied herself. _Now!_ Just before it cut into her, she pulled open another gap and fell backwards into it. The exit gap lensed open a few yards behind Patchouli, who turned just in time to see Yukari tumble out…followed a moment later by the water jet, shooting through the still-open entrance gap. About to be bisected by her own spellcard, Patchouli cut off the attack.

_Crisis averte- _Patchouli's thought cut off as Yukari slammed a tightly curled fist into the momentarily-vulnerable witch's solar plexus. Shocked and winded, Patchouli swept a hand around and fired off a hasty close-range burst of hard radiation. Yukari hopped back as the ionizing burst of X- and gamma rays scoured her skin, then dove in for more.

Chen watched Boss Yukari fighting the witch at close quarters through the telescopic sight of her rifle. The Boss was skilled at hand-to-hand combat, but the witch was blowing away all but her lightest strikes with aimed blasts of wind, or catching them on magical barriers. Still, though..._The Boss is toying with her. She's got every part of this fight more scripted than pro wrestling._ Even so, Chen kept her crosshairs leveled at the witch's center of mass. She eyed the detonator sitting on the floor next to her. _There'll likely be no need for that…but Boss Yukari said to be ready anyway._ And because Boss Yukari had told her to, she would be.

Yukari jumped backwards to avoid the brunt of yet another jet of wind. She was breathing a little heavier now. "Your moves were crude, and frankly quite hackneyed, but I suppose we may call that a dance. And I must say, I've never had a cheerier partner."

The implacable scowl on Patchouli's face didn't even twitch.

"Anyway, my dear girl, I believe 'tis time to, as they say, 'kick it up a notch.'" Yukari flipped a card out from inside her jacket, and raised it above her head. "**Steel River 'Border Between Old and New World!'**" Yukari reached both hands into her suit-coat, savoring the feel of the familiar grips in her hands. When she removed her hands, the right held a Persian-model Long Luger and the left a Colt Walker, with an etching of Zhuangzhi dreaming of his famed butterfly on the finely engraved cylinder. As she hefted the guns, a feral grin covered her face, and she locked eyes with Patchouli. "Ready to tango, _girl?_"

Even as Patchouli started raising a ward, Yukari was dashing sideways and firing, pulling her triggers faster than any human could. Within a second she'd fired far more rounds than either weapon could possibly have held. Hundreds of impacts spattered the ward Patchouli held in front of herself. Yukari continued running sideways, orbiting her target like a ground-attack aircraft. And still, the black-powder bangs of the Colt and the vicious, continuous snarl of the Luger continued without rest.

_I cannot keep this ward up for more than a few seconds longer,_ Patchouli thought. _I have got to get rid of those guns._ Preserving the ward with her left hand, she grabbed another card from her pocket. She raised it and called, "**Sun Sign 'Royal Flare!'**" A gigantic, omnidirectional bubble of 3000 Kelvin flame expanded from the card and rapidly grew in size. Yukari finally ceased fire.

_Too big and fast to avoid. It's on me now- _The flame front hit her and she braced, shielding herself with as powerful as a border as she could muster. She grit her teeth as the plasma cloud engulfed her. The heat was intense, horrific, utterly inimical to life. All six charges in the Colt exploded with a sharp bang, and Yukari recoiled backwards into the smoke.

Patchouli stood at the center of a massive cloud of dark smoke, the sharp petrochemical stink of fused, re-melted tar thick in the air. She twisted round, looking for Yukari. A chill night wind blew down the street, making Patchouli shiver. Some of the thick smoke cleared.

Yukari stood in the center of the street, a lone patch of untouched asphalt sitting in the wake of her body. She spat out a twisted shard of revolver and looked up at Patchouli. That feral grin was still there, unaffected by the lacerations on her hand and face.

"Quite impressive, my girl, quite impressive. I didn't imagine our little get-together would last this long." There was a gleam in her eye, a blade-sharp spark of excitement. "But, sadly, it will end soon, and I believe we both know who the victor shall be." Patchouli bristled, but still Yukari continued. "Now then. To adopt another popular saying, it's time for you to 'say hello to my little friends.'" She raised a card. "**Sturmbatterie 'Flak-Korps!'**"

Four gaps opened above Yukari's head in the shape of an arch. From each slid an 8.8cm Flak 18, the guns looking as clean and well-oiled as if they'd just left the Essen foundries. Supported by invisible forces, they leveled at Patchouli as disembodied arms reached from the gaps to slide shells into the guns. The four breechblocks closed with a chorused _vvvvchunk_. Yukari was still staring at Patchouli. "Prepare yourself, my dear. I'm done holding back."

Without further ado, the guns fired a full salvo. Four shells, two high explosive and two high-velocity solid shot, smashed into Patchouli's ward. Massive shell casings clanged to the ground, ringing dissonantly. Patchouli dashed diagonally backward to avoid the crushing volume of fire as bodiless arms fed more shells into the guns with precise strength. "There's no use running, dear!" called Yukari as she banged off four more shells at the bright spark of the magic barrier. The projectiles smashed into Patchouli's battered ward. "We both know your shield can't take another burst! Surrender, my dear, and make this easier for us both!"

Patchouli kept up her dash, not replying. _She knows my shield won't take another salvo. Let's try…_

Yukari kept aiming her guns at the light of the mage's ward. As soon as the four breechblocks closed, she fired. All four shells smashed through the skein of hard light, the HE shells spraying a shotgun blast of supersonic shrapnel into the area behind it. Yukari sighed. "It truly is too bad I had to do that. But some people just don't know how to listen-ah."

Patchouli strode out of the smoke to her right.

Yukari's smile returned. "I see, sending the ward away from you to ruin my aim. I didn't expect such cunning from you, girl."

Patchouli didn't acknowledge the compliment. Instead, she held up a spellcard. "**Fire Water Wood Metal Earth Sign 'Philosopher's Stone!'**" A multitude of glowing magic circles flew from Patchouli's index finger, and all hell broke loose.

Fireballs and boulders flew wildly through the air as water jets sliced indiscriminately and crystal spikes erupted from the ground. Yukari lost one of her guns almost immediately as a beam of hard light severed its barrel. She bobbed and weaved chaotically, the sheer volume of hazards threatening to overwhelm even her superfast mind. Another Flak was destroyed as a fireball melted the barrel and cooked off the chambered shell, the breechblock blowing out of the cannon's receiver. Yukari's personal barrier took several massive hits from high-velocity boulders and flickered alarmingly. She released her hold on the remaining guns, and they crashed to the ground. Focusing all her energies on dodging and shielding, Yukari weathered the storm. Her heartbeat throbbed painfully inside her skull and the taste of metal filled her mouth. Just as she began to wonder if this infernal spell would whittle her power down to nothing, the hurricane of magic dissipated.

"Ahh…that was…something…my dear girl. But…I'm afraid you will…lose this duel." Yukari, breathing heavily now, addressed Patchouli. "You look…even worse than me." Patchouli was half-kneeling, half-sitting on the street, panting after the gross exertion of the spell. "But I've…been holding back. You are about…to be defeated." She walked into a gap.

Then, the sky fell.

It wasn't truly the sky, of course. Merely a massive ceiling of heavy gravel that fell from nowhere and nearly crushed Patchouli. She tried to extricate herself from the heavy rock, but she couldn't find the strength. Craning her head to look down the street, she saw two sets of railroad tracks running down the street on top of the layer of stone, and at their terminus stood Yukari.

She was forty feet in the air, standing on the end of a heavy steel tube emerging from a gap, looking down at Patchouli with an imperious smirk. "This is what happens to those who cross the Mayohiga Cartel." She raised a card. "**Schwere Artillerie-Abteilung (E) 'Dearly-missed Wife!'**"

The gap behind Yukari tore forty feet down to the ground, and something massive slid onto the tracks on heavy steel wheels. _No, _Patchouli thought in a tiny mind-voice. _She cannot pull something like that into being. No one could_. Yet, Yukari was. A thousand and a half tons of dark, oiled steel slid slowly onto the double tracks, the 150-foot bulk of the 80 cm K (E) gun blotting out the night sky. Yukari still stood atop the gun's muzzle. Eyes hidden by her hat's brim, she called down "You may have heard a saying about our little group. You're either with us…" She looked up, locking her gaze onto the still-trapped Patchouli's face. "…or you're dead!"

The huge bulk of the _Dora_ gun and its carriage rapidly accelerated to speeds far faster than intended as arcane forces shoved it from behind. Patchouli kept struggling against the gravel holding her down to no avail, her magic-induced exhaustion preventing her from moving the heavy stones. And still Yukari stared at her as she surfed the gun's muzzle, keeping her hat on with one hand. Just as the gun was reaching Patchouli, Yukari yelled into the wind, "CHEN! NOW!" The directed explosives under the rear of the behemoth cannon's carriage blew, tilting the entirety of up on its front bogies and depressing the gun to aim directly at Patchouli.

The _Dora_ fired.

The muzzle blast alone obliterated two and a half city blocks and blew out windows in many more. The carriage and gun itself, already in an unstable position, were blown sideways by the recoil and keeled over, leveling another block. The 8-ton shell itself penetrated eighty feet into the earth before its explosive filling detonated, the overpressure bursting water and gas mains for miles around.

Yukari landed at the lip of the crater, having jumped off the gun just before it fired. She reached intothe gap that was now at her side and extracted Chen from wherein by the back of her collar. After setting Chen down, Yukari patted her on the head. "Wonderful timing, dear. You did a tremendously good job."

"Thanks, Boss!" Chen replied with a smile. "I'm always glad to help. Uh, are you okay?"

Yukari's face was pale and drawn. Thin tracks of blood ran from her eyes and nostrils, and the cuts on her hand a face still dripped. "I'll be fine, Chen. Don't worry. It just takes a bit of…exertion to pull off that spellcard.

"Well, if you say so." Chen looked over the edge into the pit left by the shell. "I have a question, if you don't mind."

"Oh, ask away."

"Well, why did you leave her alive?" Patchouli lay at the bottom of the deep crater, battered and unconscious, but breathing.

Yukari took a deep breath before answering. "You see, my furry friend, such a petty fight was not worth breaking the Concord over, and if I'd killed her I certainly would have done that. Let others violate the rules first, so that you may be the one delivering discipline instead of receiving it."

Chen cocked her head. "Makes sense. I doubt the Scarlet Devil Mafia will be happy with us for doing this, though, no matter how many rules we didn't break."

"We'll deal with them when we must, dear," Yukari reassured her. "Now then, let's head home and see if Ran's little outing went as well as ours."


End file.
